


Nothing Is Hard To Understand

by Angel_made_of_scars



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-29
Updated: 2014-03-29
Packaged: 2018-01-17 09:55:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1383214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_made_of_scars/pseuds/Angel_made_of_scars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas starts to realize he really is human and the idea scares him, so he seeks comfort in the youngest Winchester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing Is Hard To Understand

"Sam! Dean!" Cas yelled, charging through the bunker. He hadn't been able to sleep, and a thought had hit him. As he thought it just horrified him more. So he went looking for the people the thought involved. It was the middle of the night but he had to try. He was relieved when Sam met him in the hall way, followed by Dean not far behind.  
"Cas, what the hell is going on?" Sam asked. He was wearing soft pajamas, plaid of course. Dean however was wearing dark teal boxers and a black shirt. Cas quickly grabbed Sams shoulder, pulling him into a hug. Dean started to back away, thinking he was dreaming, and Cas moved, grabbing Dean and wrapping his arms around him. Dean awkwardly patted his back.  
"Dude, seriously, you feeling ok?" Dean asked.  
"Yes... No... I just needed to see you... So I would know-" he broke off, feeling shy about the way he was saying things.  
"You just wanted to know we're still here?" Sam guessed. Cas nodded guiltily and Dean chuckled before taking off his shirt.  
"Dean what the hell-" Sam started.  
"Shut up Sammy, the guy is lonely. I heard this was some crap couples do, they give each other clothes cause they smell like the other person, and while I find that creepy as all hell, maybe you can use that. Just hold onto it or something since the actual 'me' isn't up for cuddling." Dean joked, stumbling back off to bed. Sam was about to make a joke when he saw Cas stuffing his face into the shirt. This was weird.  
"Uh... Cas? You ok?" Sam asked quietly. Cas shook his head and buried his face in Sams shoulder, which admittedly isn't easy because of the height difference. Guess thats a no then. Definitely not ok.  
"You wanna talk about whatever it is?" Sam asked quietly. Cas nodded and let go of Sam. He slowly walked to his room and Cas followed.  
"Cas... What's wrong?" Sam asked after sitting on his bed.  
"I'm gonna die Sam... And so are you and Dean... When I had powers it was different, it was a feeling of it just being basic knowledge, but now its different- I don't wanna die Sam! I don't wanna see either of you die either! I... I can't... I can't live without you and Dean... What if I get sent to hell Sam? I-I can't do that- what if angels don't have personal heavens? What if I die and just... Die? Even I can't comprehend the meaning of nothing. No dark, no light, no air, no space, no black or white, literally nothing! I don't wanna be nothing! What if I do become nothing and I still comprehend everything?! I-I would be stuck in an endless nothingness... What if you became nothing Sam? What if I couldn't find you later? I don't want you to leave either! But if you go to heaven and I don't..." Cas was starting to get upset, his eyes watering and blurry.  
"Cas... You're an angel, you KNOW God is real, so you won't become nothing... And as for heaven or hell I don't think you're going to hell... You're too pure... And you WILL go to heaven, I just know it. And... You'll have Dean..." Sam said, faking an encouraging smile.  
"What about you?" Cas asked quietly, looking at Sam. He realized their knees were touching and it made him feel slightly better.  
"I... I hope you and Dean have fun up there..." He said sadly.  
"But what about you... You're acting like you won't be there..." Cas said hesitantly. He watched as Sam looked away in shame.  
"I can't come..." Sam said quietly.  
"W-Why not?!" Cas stuttered.  
"Because I'm not pure... The trials didn't finish... I barely survived... I'm not free of the demon blood... I can't go to heaven..." Sam admitted sadly.  
"But... You have too... You're not impure! You surprised me when I first met you because when I saw your soul it should have been tainted but it wasn't... And I can't see it now... You were wrong a minute ago, I'm not an angel... I never will be again... But you have to trust me when I say you're pure... I know that without having any power..." Cas insisted.  
"Please promise me... Promise that when you die and death himself comes to take you... That you'll ask to see me again... Just once, to say goodbye... Don't leave me alone here..." Cas begged.  
"I don't want to leave you or Dean..." Sam said honestly.  
"Then promise you'll say goodbye!" Cas begged.  
"I promise I'll try... I don't think I'll be allowed though... But I promise I'll try..." Sam said sincerely. Cas gave a tiny smile and bowed his head. He was sure this was what Dean called 'too sappy and girly'. He couldn't look at Sam. He really did feel soothed by what Sam told him, but he didn't know what to say now that it was over. He was all too aware of their knees touching and Sam watching him.  
"I should..." Sam said quickly, getting up and leaving the room. He came back seconds later with his head bowed in embarrassment.  
"T-This is my room..." Sam stuttered, a small smile on his face.  
"Of course- I apologize... I'll... Go now..." Cas said unsurely. Before he could go Sam grabbed his shoulder.  
"Unless- I mean... Unless... You wanna... Stay or something?" Sam said quietly. Cas blushed but nodded as he went back into the room.  
"Sam... I still worry... What if I do go to hell... None of the angels will bother with me, and you two don't have powers... What if I turn? What if I start torturing souls and end up coming back to kill you? I don't wanna hurt you two..." Cas muttered.  
"You couldn't hurt us Cas... You wouldn't turn... You're too good for that..." Sam said shyly, putting a hand on Cas' knee to ensure him. Cas looked at Sams hand and then back at his face. Now what feeling was this? Nervousness- but something more... Something strong and yet delicate inside him.  
"Sam... What is that?" Cas asked in nearly a whisper.  
"What's what?" Sam asked, moving his hand just slightly and making their arms touch. A shiver went over him but not the strange desperate kind, the kind that shows that you've been cold and didn't even know it, so when you felt the warmth it was a surprise even too you.  
"That..." Cas whispered, looking up at Sam. Carefully he moved his hand to sit right beside Sams, then gently touched Sams hand with two fingers, making Sam give the same tiny shiver as he had a moment before.  
"That..." Cas said confidently. Sam swallowed and looked at their hands.  
"It's... It's peace Cas... It's the feeling of being safe and quiet and warm and happy all together, and its the sense of no problems or war. It's... It's what some people compare to heaven... But usually they only call it that if... If it includes love... They call love their own 'piece of heaven', which is technically right because when they're soulmates they get a heaven together... But they call that love... I would rather call it peace, just because the ones I love die... Not just my family... The only one I ever loved as... As my soulmate... She died... And I can't ever do that... So I call it peace..." Sam explained.  
"You call it peace... But you just said its called love... Are you saying the feeling is love?" Cas asked quietly.  
"I-I guess so..." Sam admitted.  
"Then... I can't go to hell Sam... I can't... Because I must have a heaven with you... And... I must love you..." Cas whispered. Sam froze and looked at Cas with wide eyes.  
"You... You love me?" Sam said in shock. He couldn't have heard that correctly. No way.  
"I... I believe so... Although I'm not positive... But this... Feeling... The one you call peace... I feel it all the time... Around you... And Dean... But it's not as strong for him..." Cas admitted shyly. He moved his hand slowly and intertwined their fingers.  
"Cas... I..." Sam couldn't form words for how he was feeling. He felt SOMETHING. But he wasn't sure exactly what that something was.  
"I... Believe this is what the television dramas call... Rejection... And it's not pleasant..." Cas said quietly.  
"Cas no, I'm not rejecting you, I just... I don't know what to say..." Sam admitted, his eyes showing just how unsure he was.  
"Sam, I did not mean to make you uncomfortable. I think I should just leave. Thank you for talking to me. Although I still worry about dying, it helps to talk about it." Cas said quietly, trying not to sound upset.  
"Cas wait." Sam said as he stood up.  
"I... I don't know what to say... But I do wanna try to say something... Soulmates have a heaven together... And I know me and Dean have one together, but that's because we were prophesied to. So if we find our actual, romantic soulmates, do they come with us?" Sam asked.  
"Yes, I believe so." Cas answered.  
"Good... Because... I'm not rejecting you... I feel whatever it is too... I just can't seem to figure out what to think of it... The last person I loved burned on the ceiling... I was gonna marry her... So when I feel that for you... It scares me... But I wanna try to... To feel it again... To feel that love... I just don't wanna hurt you..." Sam admitted. God, this was an all new level of chick-flick.  
"You want to feel it again?" Cas questioned. Without another word he seemed to consider his options and gently took Sams hand in his. Before he could say anything about it Cas looked up at him and stood on his toes. Then he gently tried to press a kiss on Sams lips, but because he shut his eyes he kissed his nose. It still shocked Sam but he recovered within seconds, smiling and kissing Cas on the lips. Cas froze this time, his cheeks red and eyes wide.  
"Uh- I- um-" Cas tried to find words but he couldn't speak properly.  
"Yeah Cas... I liked it too..." Sam chuckled, pulling the speechless Cas over too the bed. He carefully laid down on the bed and pulled Cas down too him, letting him lay with his back on Sams chest.  
"Sam?" Cas said after a few silent minutes. He almost thought he was asleep until he answered.  
"Yeah?" Sam said groggily.  
"I think if I die... I will be happy in heaven... If I get to be with you..." Cas said quietly. Sam smiled and nuzzled into his hair as they both fell asleep, dreaming of beginnings... And endings... That weren't necessarily bad.


End file.
